Relationships
NAME: Z
STATUS: Thankful
GOAL: More random acts of kindness
PEEVE: TV commercials for diamonds
GLEE: Flowers in February
By many standards, my first husband behaved like a textbook mate. Roses and chocolate on Valentine’s Day, something extravagant and impractical for my birthday. Expensive dinner out on our anniversary. More roses.
So, Z, you ask, what was the problem? Most women would love that.
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This woman didn’t. Sure, I liked it, especially in the beginning. I felt special and appreciated. After a few years, though, these events started to feel more like rituals that he checked off and less like occasions to celebrate our partnership and growth. I realized that I was not a fan of the grand gesture. What I wanted was someone who was really there when I needed him, someone who would come home with a bouquet of spring bulbs or sunflowers just because.
Every marriage, every committed relationship is different but my second marriage is built on a few very clear foundations. Honesty is one. If Clay has been on the road all week and just wants to be home, I want him to tell me that so we can plan date night at home – otherwise, I’ll devise an outing and he’ll go along with it but will be tired and resentful. So we talk about it in advance. (He can be as honest as he wants about vegetables but he’s still going to eat some. Period).
Whimsy and laughter go a long way. We still laugh about an early Valentine’s Day celebration – we weren’t yet engaged – and I went a bit overboard, sewing Clay silk pajamas and making dark chocolate truffles from scratch. He loved the pajamas but the chocolate was too bitter for him, a lover of milk chocolate. This was awkward but amusing and I ate them all, though not in one sitting.
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A truffle is tiny, at least compared to most chocolate bars these days, but what I’ve learned is that, to me, the little stuff matters more. I’ll stick original haiku ditties I’ve written on pretty paper in the lunch packs Clay takes on the road, and even toss those odd soda flavors he loves but you have to search for into his travel cooler. He knows I love flowers – my parents named me Zinnia, after all – but they won’t be predictable. If I’ve been running and running to take care of everything and everybody, he’ll run a bath for me and then rub my feet.
If two people treat each other well and take care of the little stuff, the big stuff takes care of itself. I’ll take the man who calls and asks, “Do we need anything at the grocery store?” over Insane Valentine’s Day Florist Markup Man any day.
All the above information has been reviewed by this week’s expert.
